For the first time in my life, God has moved me to tears and beyond. It was a mixed emotion between deep sympathy for Haiti, the unified reaction of the crowd, and feeling the power of God’s grace.

“Savior, he can move the mountains. Our God is mighty to save, he is mighty to save.”

Now I know how it truly feels like to praise God and to sing with my heart.

My history of a life long struggle.

I have lived my whole life maturing and learning how to live. I took many years building up my own character, and many more embellishing it. I have established my moral, I have gone through many phases to come to who I am now. This is (hopefully) reflected in how I treat and respect others and myself. I am proud of how my friends see me and how I see myself.  This whole aspect of my personality, I owe it to my parents, whom have taught me well and whom have always set an example. I also owe it to Jesus; the image I long to represent.

But then there is another whole aspect of me that revolves around my beliefs. I don’t exactly know what they are. Religion, life and death, the universe. I came up and agreed with a theory about death that really seemed to answer all my questions. To this day, I still adhere very strongly to it. Not because I want to believe what I do, but because it simply makes sense to me. And this is what it is: After death feels like before birth. How does this connect with Heaven? It doesn’t. I also cling to the idea of luck, chance and randomness. I may be too stuck in my own thoughts but I am not ready to give them up unless convinced.

Since I was a born, I was raised in a Christian family. I don’t recall ever wanting to be a Christian out of choice when I was young. Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining; just confused. Christianity reminds me of my childhood, of my lost families. It was the only faith I was ever introduced to. Sometimes I have trouble being myself. What are my real beliefs? Have I been brainwashed from the start, or am I attached because something tells me its real? I believe that God is the truth, but there are many ways to define “truth”.

I have once taken some time off to reflect. To find myself. To figure out which path I wish to pursue and to finally make a decision for once. I went to church again with TnT, feeling rusty and unsure. When I joined their Sunday School class, I remember so clearly… the first thing Donna asked me was “Are you a Christian?” I hesitated. And she said “you’re allowed to say no” So I did. It took some time to get myself motivated and sometimes I still run out of motivation. But after awhile, I felt at home and this is who I want to be. It has been a work in progress and very difficult at times. At World of Life, in a congregation of a couple of hundreds, I finally experienced the Art of Worship. And even more so when a time came Chris Tomlin.

If you ask me again today whether or not I am a Christian, I will answer “Yes” because this title is part of who I am. I will still try to tie in my own beliefs in with the Bible. And if it doesn’t work, then I will just be true to myself and accept what I have learned along the way. I hope that one day, I will come to a consensus and end the struggle to what I personally believe and what I want to believe.


What’s with all these bizarre, disturbing and scary dreams lately? Every time I wake up, I’m sweating and my heart is pounding. And I thank GOD that it was just a dream….
I hope they will stop coming..
Because I’m here thinking of what if they come true?

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