My history of a life long struggle.

I have lived my whole life maturing and learning how to live. I took many years building up my own character, and many more embellishing it. I have established my moral, I have gone through many phases to come to who I am now. This is (hopefully) reflected in how I treat and respect others and myself. I am proud of how my friends see me and how I see myself.  This whole aspect of my personality, I owe it to my parents, whom have taught me well and whom have always set an example. I also owe it to Jesus; the image I long to represent.

But then there is another whole aspect of me that revolves around my beliefs. I don’t exactly know what they are. Religion, life and death, the universe. I came up and agreed with a theory about death that really seemed to answer all my questions. To this day, I still adhere very strongly to it. Not because I want to believe what I do, but because it simply makes sense to me. And this is what it is: After death feels like before birth. How does this connect with Heaven? It doesn’t. I also cling to the idea of luck, chance and randomness. I may be too stuck in my own thoughts but I am not ready to give them up unless convinced.

Since I was a born, I was raised in a Christian family. I don’t recall ever wanting to be a Christian out of choice when I was young. Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining; just confused. Christianity reminds me of my childhood, of my lost families. It was the only faith I was ever introduced to. Sometimes I have trouble being myself. What are my real beliefs? Have I been brainwashed from the start, or am I attached because something tells me its real? I believe that God is the truth, but there are many ways to define “truth”.

I have once taken some time off to reflect. To find myself. To figure out which path I wish to pursue and to finally make a decision for once. I went to church again with TnT, feeling rusty and unsure. When I joined their Sunday School class, I remember so clearly… the first thing Donna asked me was “Are you a Christian?” I hesitated. And she said “you’re allowed to say no” So I did. It took some time to get myself motivated and sometimes I still run out of motivation. But after awhile, I felt at home and this is who I want to be. It has been a work in progress and very difficult at times. At World of Life, in a congregation of a couple of hundreds, I finally experienced the Art of Worship. And even more so when a time came Chris Tomlin.

If you ask me again today whether or not I am a Christian, I will answer “Yes” because this title is part of who I am. I will still try to tie in my own beliefs in with the Bible. And if it doesn’t work, then I will just be true to myself and accept what I have learned along the way. I hope that one day, I will come to a consensus and end the struggle to what I personally believe and what I want to believe.


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