I was taking the bus home with some acquaintances and the subject of death came up. Someone said that she wanted to die in a car accident, and I told her I wanted to die of old age, if not, then of a long, terminal illness. Another guy then proceeded to ask me, “You want to live to very old? ” And I told him, I want to live for as long as I can. Then he said, “You’re going to be all brittle. I don’t want to live until I’m old. I don’t want to be 60. Maybe I’ll want to die around 50”
That was actually quite a shocking response to me. Why are people afraid of growing? And why would one ever dream to terminate ones life before becoming a senior? I think the two most beautiful stages in life lies in childhood and elder-hood. Those two come almost in parallel. The immature vs the mature, the beginning vs end. Yet both so innocent and fragile. The most precious sight is seeing a child holding their grandparent’s hand.
I use to want to die in my sleep, or in a plane crash, or in an explosion. As long as it is quick, painless and unanticipated. I think the fear comes from knowing that you are soon to die, and I would prefer to be spared from such knowledge. But you never know for certain what you really want, or how you will react to something, until you experience it. I’ve been a witness to both a sudden and a bedridden death, and I’ve come to realize how regretful it is to be unaware of your own passing. Regretful to the loved ones still on Earth, and to the one who is no longer present.
Everyone should be granted the right to say their last words to people they will see for the last time. It is so painful to watch someone leave without saying goodbye; so painful to still have so much to tell them once they’re already gone. And I believe that all those who have died unknowingly would want to have another chance to say the words left unsaid.
One good thing about an illness is it will push me to fight for my life. It will bring families and friends together. It will unite people. Sharing each other’s burden is a big comfort, and such a loving support. It’s about finally cherishing what I’ve so much taken for granted. I hope I won’t give into death so easily. Life is the only thing I’ve ever had. And if I lose the battle, then God has chosen a time, and at least I will say my last words, and hear the last words being said to me. Gosh, I just can’t imagine how many ‘thanks’ and ‘sorries’ and ‘I love yous” I would need and desperately want to say. I should start saying them at every opportunity… let people know how much they mean to me before it’s too late…
I want to die of old age. To be able to go through adulthood, learn all that life has to offer me, and then sit back and rest. I want to share my experiences with the younger generation, share some advice, and tell them that in the end, all struggles are worth it. Whether or not I will still have a memory, whether or not I could still walk or eat by myself, I think at that stage in life, death comes at the right moment, and it comes very peacefully. When I’m on my bed, all wrinkled and frail, hopefully surrounded by families and friends, I will think to myself, “It’s time for me to go. I’m ready.”