School to the rescue
School is unrolling so fast! It feels as though I had just gotten back and only beginning to get into the habit of reviewing, yet I have 2 midterms next week. Without even realizing, the materials are piling already and becoming quite dense. But I have to say, it feels nice to be back. As much as I complain about classes and stress, there is always a sense of self-reward when I’m disciplined to stay on top of matters. As next week approaches with September ending, October is going to be a downhill ride. Midterm after midterm… and then the second round of midterms. Getting up for classes. Notes to write everyday. Skipping other classes. Accommodating for church practices and events. Playing some sports. Occasionally catching up with friends here and there. Trying to stay sane. Sleeping on schedule. And above all else, fighting for time to spend with myself and my family. It’s tricky finding a healthy balance and to set the correct priorities. I hope I have been doing things right.
As I’m well aware, I lost myself this summer. I didn’t feel like the Regi I normally am. I always try to keep it together. Still, I became very vulnerable and easily swayed, and I permitted myself to plunge. But I heard it’s alright letting yourself go if you can get yourself back. And I’m happy that school has brought myself back to me. Does that even make sense? I’m not sure how to put it, and it’s really strange, but I tend to be more focused on what needs to be done when I’m melancholic. I use school to my advantage to divert my attention. It becomes my source of out-pour, and it works well. Everything is out of my system. Enough is enough. It’s time to mend myself back. Well thank goodness for the student life. I really needed it. I notice I sound very EMO. Most of the content on this blog are miserable ones, but I am grateful for many things. There is always something to be grateful for and things could always be worse. I’m alright this time.
I’m feeling very confident again :) I’m back on track!
“I wanted words, but all I heard was nothing”
I know that I over-think. I don’t do it to come up with a solution of some sort because often times, I know that it comes to no conclusion. I can make a big deal out of something insignificant and small. Right now, I think I have winded myself up in the heart of confusion, which is inevitably making its way to misery. Everything just kind of happened 3 months ago all at once and I have spent 3 solid months…well… just thinking. Thinking of “how it could be” and “why it would be” and “what it can be” and “where it will be”. I cannot help it. Now 3 months later, here I am, fed up with this obscurity. If people unveil the mask that is my outer tranquility right now, they’d reveal a circle of contradictory thoughts. Thoughts that have left me with nothing but to this pathetic state. It’s unhealthy and I admit it. Now that school has started, it can serve as a distraction… but before that can happen, I need to make one last desperate rant:
So there are only 3 options.
2. To stop thinking and let things be
3. To confront the situation.
# 1 is unfavourable for obvious reasons. # 2 is what I’ve been attempting at, but still unsuccessful (therefore deemed impossible). So I’m left with #3. Seeing how I have too much pride and dignity, or the lack of courage and maturity, I can only confront the situation in secrecy: Right here! Hopefully this will be a stepping stone in which I can allow myself to move on a little.
To the 3 men of my summer 2011: (ha ha…)
- You left me in devastation. I can’t say that I wasn’t prepared for something like this, in fact, I saw it coming perhaps years ago. But whenever it would’ve happened, it is always too soon in my heart. I hope I have never disappointed you. I think about you more than you know in my entire life. I wish I could do something to help. You are so strong to me, you are so wise to me, you are so noble to me. You love me in a way I cannot understand. Thank you for being proud of me. I will never forget our moments, I promise.
- You left me disappointed at first, then indifferent, and now a bit of both. I tried to reason it through, because in the norm of things, it is quite reasonable. But not to me. I still dwell on this because I know this cannot be your value. I don’t expect anything more than what you have offered to me. I understand in the heat of the moment, we say things that later mean nothing, but when you said that you would do your best to help me whenever I needed it, I was touched and I believed you. In fact, I still trust and believe you to this day. Well, you were the first person I needed to talk to.. and I couldn’t anymore.
- You left me confused beyond belief. Silly right? At times it’s fun and other times it’s frustrating. You have made some days very exciting, and some days very depressing. We’re playing this stupid game that isn’t going anywhere and all we do is wait. I wonder what goes on in your mind. I’m tired of trying to read you. I feel ever so stupid being obsessed over you. I don’t know if you’re in the same state, but maybe I’m the only one pulling my hair out. You are the least of my worries right now, yet my biggest. I want to just stop thinking about you. Really, I do. But more than that, I want a clear answer from you.
Done. I’m done…. :)
All the pictures still on the wall
They’ve seen better days ‘til now,
But I can’t take them down
It’s like you’re running just to learn to crawl
It’s like all the love we made is just the rise before the fall
Well time’s the only friend you have
Cause when all you have is fading photographs
Cause nothing ever lasts.
I’ll be honest. Without you, I don’t feel like me
When all your better days wave goodbye
And no matter how hard you try, it hurts.
But honestly, not ever loving you,
Is the only thing that would be worse