It’s almost 2012 and I’ve been making the same resolution for years. I wanted so badly to donate blood since I turned 18. I see the signs everywhere I go, but could never do it on impulse. I always need sufficient time (lots of it!) to gather courage and I need friends’ support. I attempted 6 months ago but they denied me because I recently went to China. Back then, and I’m not going to lie, I felt so relieved! I came out as if they spared my life. Haha.
I’ve grown up with 3 fears: spiders, heights and blood. I cannot overcome my fears, I can only face them. Having phobias are annoying because I have no reason to justify it. No, I am not afraid of heights because I might fall. I’m not afraid of spiders because they might bite. And I am not afraid of blood because it may hurt. I just don’t know why. But I learned when it comes to facing fears, it’s pretty much “just do it”. Don’t think, don’t turn back, ignore the urge to want out. I’ve climbed high up before, I’ve held a tarantula; I felt like if I pushed myself, I could finally give blood. And today, I was so close…
Everything went well. I sat on the chair thinking this is it. Until they poked the giant pole that was the needle in my arm… released the pinch in the tube…. and nothing came out. The worse has happened. She adjusted the needle a few times. I was scared stiff. Then the blood started to flow, but barely and very slowly. My arm was becoming numb. Oh gosh, kill me. She called over another nurse and by that time, it created a big bump in my arm. They started to detach the tapes and every time the needle moved, I could feel it in my veins. They suggested to try it on the other arm. That was when fear overwhelmed me. I was shaking, I couldn’t even talk properly. I could no longer suppress it. I didn’t want to go through this process again. I told her I didn’t want to do it anymore.
It sucks because I try very hard to stand by my words. I think it’s very important to do what you say. Everything that comes out is an automatic promise. That’s how I see it. One of my tricks to force myself to do something is to announce it, because then I will have no excuse to back out. It was quite emotional for me because I didn’t know I was so weak. This is definitely one of the few times I’ve backed out on myself. The worst is I see so many girls doing it like a walk in the park and I couldn’t stand the fact that I’m scared. I mean, if they can do it, why can’t I? Is fear a good enough reason? I feel like I wasted everyone’s time and let everyone down. I always thought I could do it. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself and I know it’s a personal choice. But nothing compares to knowing you have a choice to save a life, but decided against it :( I’m embarrassed and ashamed. C’est vraiment dommage. I don’t know how to convince myself to go again. I don’t know if I can do it again. We’ll see… I just took off the bandage… and there is a big bruise. I need a long, long recovery period. lol, yes I am traumatized!!!