Self-Conscious


I changed my blog layout (again) to something more colourful and less plain, and after seeing the effect of it, I felt like writing another post. So I’m sure a lot people who know me well has heard me saying this, or has noticed this about me. There is something I struggle with, and that is being self-conscious. I know this can either be a good or bad thing, and I guess although I like to “play it safe”, it does get in the way often times when I want to change myself or try something new. I’m not too sure how I became this way because when I was a kid, I was totally carefree. It’s even hard for me to imagine, but I was never shy and I used to dance like nobody is watching. I loved performing and showing off. I was a very confident girl because everywhere I went, no matter who I meet, from immediate to extended families, to family friends.. everyone would say I was a pretty young lady. It was to a point where I knew it myself and I would be disappointed if one of my mom’s friend or distant cousin from out of the town failed to acknowledge my pretty face. Yeeeaaah…arrogant much.. (I think that is also the trigger to my big bully persona, but maybe I’ll talk about that another day).

Everything changed when awkward stage hit. That’s when the nerdy braces came on, the acne appeared all over my forehead and chin and I started to gain some weight. If I wasn’t already self-conscious then, I certainly became so when the people around me started pointing out my ugly traits. My self-esteem dropped and I no longer fought for the spot light. It was a bit traumatizing, to be honest… although I didn’t have it that bad or change that much, to me it still felt like a very dramatic change. From then on, I became super self-conscious and I still am. The hardest thing for me is to improve, especially when it comes to my outer image or things that people can notice. It’s really difficult for me to change how I appear to people, little things like changing hair styles, my clothing style, make-up styles (“what make-up?” you may ask).. I am always too self-conscious to do anything big with myself, even though I am curious in trying new things.

When was the last time I had a new hair cut? Mostly when I go cut my hair, I would tell the hair dresser to “keep the same style, but shorter“. Usually my family members don’t even notice when I cut my hair because it looks the same. But I really don’t enjoy having the same look for years and years, which is exactly the case! I want to do something different, like curl it or cut it short, and even shave it completely. But every time I’m set on doing it, I change my mind and prefer to play it safe. It’s also very hard for me to change my style in what I wear. Although over the years, I have gotten better at accepting things, it’s still a very slow process.This applies to anything I do that makes me stand out from the crowd, like playing a solo on an instrument, or receiving the ball in a sport… I feel like all eyes are on me and certainly when I screw up, which happens a lot, the entire world will see it. And in that sense, I’m slow at improving.

Usually when I really want to wear something new, whether it be styling my hair a certain way, experimenting with make up or clothing, I would do it behind closed doors for awhile until I get comfortable seeing it on myself. Then I would feel confident enough to wear it out in public, and when a friend says to me, “since when do you wear that?”, I would simply reply, “oh, I’ve had this for awhile now; I guess you haven’t seen me in the times I’ve worn it.” Completely the truth! Well all this to say, I feel very insecure on the things I’m not used to doing. In everything I do, I like to prefect it in private so no one can witness my trial and errors. I know it slows me down a lot in life, but it’s something I hope I can overcome….. slowly!

-R.Kiu

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The Future


I noticed it’s been some time I haven’t written a real thought-out entry. Last year, I was thinking about my eventual career after my University degree, but I was too confused to figure out what I wanted to say. Tonight, after reading a blog from Anna concerning our decisions for our future, I was inspired again. So I decided to write a reply:

Being a little girl, my vision of what I wanted to pursue has always revolved around one thing: the arts. I remember taking the initiative in asking my mom if I could learn piano at the age of 4. The next thing I knew, I stood aside, looking on as my first piano came rolling through the front door. And that became the seed that sprouted many teenage dreams. I went through phases of wanting to become a celebrity, a songwriter, a singer, an author, a musician and an artist. Believe it or not, I wrote and recorded (on those ghetto tape recorder back in the days lol) several songs. I also used to write short stories and Fanfics online. Of course, I’m very much ashamed of them as I grew into reality. Slowly, my passion for “arts” dropped one by one, and it never did really become a passion, but remained a hobby. I quit piano, my only solid pride, at secondary 4. Having been so close to obtaining my certificate, I think I somewhat regret it to this day. Anyway, I digress….

In elementary school, the one class I detested was Science! It was horrible, I had no interest, I understood nothing, and I cheated off friends to pass my tests. I told myself and my family that I would never become a scientist and I would have nothing to do with biology and medicine (the irony…). I never gave my professional career much thought until Secondary 3, when I was introduced to Anatomy. It was unexpectedly like love at first sight. From there on, I never turned away from this target and just last month, I got my degree in Anatomy and Cell Biology. Well, now what? I still don’t know. Although I really love what I study, I still don’t know where I want to take this life. The only reason I’m applying to Masters is because I still don’t know what I want. And what better thing to do in hesitation than to open more doors? I’ve talked to a lot of people in my field, and unless they aim for Med school or the likes, everyone just doesn’t know what we can do with our undergrad. If we hate research, there aren’t many choices out there for us to make a living off of.

I don’t regret what I’ve chosen, but it makes me wonder why we are forced to commit to one path so early in life. I wonder how many students really know what they want at the age of 16-17, when even at 22, I am still confused. For me, since Secondary 4, we were already given a choice to study Chemistry or Economics, and that would determine what we can enter in Cegep, and that would lead to University. Although it’s never too late to turn around and change fields, many people prefer not to fall behind their peers. I think a lot of students just suck up to what they’re stuck with for the sake of keeping up with the world. Society imposes so much emphasis on salary and profit and the market that everyone is pushed towards that goal. Myself included. I’m slowly learning that everything is a business, and all about gain. Whether it’s a company, hospitals, sports leagues, or even churches.

But I believe that everything turns out fine in the end. One thing will lead to another and with the support of people who care, we’ll survive fine. I worry about my future a lot and sometimes I can’t see how I’m going to step out into the world. I grew up in my comfort zone. In my mind, it’s a big leap to the other side, like a sudden transition. But here’s a quote that I always remind myself of; that it’s not going to be scary if we take it as it comes.

“Always remember that the future comes one day at a time.”


R.Kiu