Missing in Action

It feels like ages ago since I’ve updated this blog! I wanted to write a few times, especially before the new year to pop in my resolution, but at the time, I didn’t want to talk about it. Now that the storm is clearing up, I can finally write this down and move it aside. To be honest, I’ve been having a really rough time where things were just not working well and I was trying to hide it from everyone. From last October to just about 2 weeks ago, I was having a lot of difficulties with my project. I became so discouraged that I don’t remember ever feeling this low for this long. It wasn’t the occasional ups and downs; it was the prolonged disappointment and heaviness that became unbearable. I really miss school. I know it was stressful as heck when midterm and final sessions came, but at least I always knew what I needed to do and that I could do it. There was always a solution and most importantly, there was a closure. I’m the type of person that relieves stress by attacking it. If my laziness is what is keeping me from being up-to-date in class, then all I needed to do to was to sit my butt down and study. At the end of the day, I would feel better and pat myself on the shoulders. When the semester was over, I can enjoy my holidays without a worry.

It is so different with work. It is a never-ending task and I think about it all day long. When I run into problems, I have to figure out a way to solve it. I can’t simply present the situation to a teacher and expect a clear explanation in return. In the fall, I was anticipating a great Christmas Holiday and New Years. But I struggled the most in December and on my last day of work, I went home without accomplishment. Throughout the entire holiday, I tried to clear my mind, but whenever I thought about the lab, my heart would panic. It was one of the worst holidays I spent. I couldn’t enjoy my time with my family and friends because I had to fake a smile everyday. I started my New Year with tears! Just the thought of going back to work and re-facing my worries was too exhausting. I was so mentally and motivationally weak. But I knew I had to do it.. so I just did it. I worked 10-12 hours a day and gave it my all. I didn’t care about failure anymore, I was just angry at that point. I didn’t smile at anyone at work, I didn’t talk when I came home, I just focused everything on my work. It was a mood-killer and I wasn’t very pleasant to be with, but in the end, I broke through. I can’t say I’m doing perfectly well, but I’m better. I can relax again, I can take it easy, I can SMILE!

I never want to go through it again; running into the sort of problems that renders me completely hopeless. But thinking back, I learned a lot. If everything would have worked out fine the first few times, I wouldn’t have gotten to understand the details and the mechanism of the experiment. I started to recognize the cause of failures and I was learning how to troubleshoot. It allowed me to ask questions and forced me to seek out the answer. It allowed me decide which risks to take and which advices to disregard, one of the hardest things in life. It opened my eyes to get an idea of who to trust and who to keep my distance from. All this wasn’t fun. And I may have been too hard on myself, but what I got out of it is good. What anyone gets out of any trouble is good. I truly believe that. We don’t think that far in the mist of the battle, but looking back, I see how I’ve grown.

I want to thank “my boi” for keeping me on my feet. He really picked me up when I let myself go. I had just recently realized how GOOD he is to me. I met a very mature side of him that I never saw before. I’m blind right? I’ve been buried in myself for so long that I didn’t see all the effort he put into cheering me up everyday. It’s not easy dealing with me sometimes. It must have been tiring :(

More importantly, I want to apologize to the people I’ve neglected. The ones who had to tolerate my mood (family), hear me complain, or experienced silence from me.

Phew! Now I know why school is the best time of your life. I’m still in school, but the responsibilities and the chronic stress is unmatched for in the work field. It only gets harder from here so I better start appreciating my time.



2 thoughts on “Missing in Action

  1. Yo Dreamless,

    Even though I dont quite know ya, I must say that I feel ya dawg!
    I am glad dat ya able to see sunshine again yo. Going through dat
    storm must have been really rough.But at the end of da day, your a survivah so datz
    all good mon ami. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, know what im sayin homie.
    Expect more hurricanes coming at ya in da future cuz theres more than one in life. The weather is
    so damn tuurible sometimes smh.I hope that this experience will allow you to deal better with da
    next problem. The most important thing is to nevah give up on yaself no
    matter how hard da situation is. Fall 7 times, get up 8 ya dig!!! If ya have trouble, Im sure
    dat boi dat ya speak so highly of will gladly land u a hand. And don’t forget about all those homies out
    there who loves ya aka yo fam! I believe they got yo back too!!

    Aightzz timez up fo me.
    Best of luck with yo project mon ami.

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