No Passions

I wrote a post many years ago on Xanga (how I miss it!) about wanting to have a passion. Fast forward a few years to the present, and here I am, still trying to find one. More and more people are using social medias to showcase their life and passion and for most, their topic of interest is very focused. There are people on YouTube who only talk about beauty, makeup and fashion. Others describe their DIY-crafts and ideas. There are food and cooking channels, pets, work-outs, songs, music, filming, books, magic, etc. You can find almost anything out there, but for each channel, it limits to one category. There is something very admirable about someone who is crazy and good at the one thing they love, and to be able to stick to it and teach the world. It only makes me ponder what it is that I truly love to do. If I had a YouTube channel, what would it be about? Many who know me, would know that I love everything, but of course, “loving everything” would also mean the same as “loving nothing”. In other words, loving nothing enough in particular to pursue it and to sacrifice all else. I enjoy trying new things, and each time I do, I hope that it enlightens me to what I want to give up and what I want to develop. Let me give some examples:

We have all seen those advertisements about people loving their job. The first time I ever took a biology class, I fell in love. I knew that was it. It was a reassuring feeling and a great feeling. I spent the rest of my studies trying to narrow myself down to a career path in research. In University, the science courses were so demanding that I took the easiest electives I could get. It never occurred to me to take an unrelated course to expand my knowledge. I thought I would never need it. I was so sure of what I was doing until I landed my first summer position in an oncology lab. The science was good, the work was exactly what I dreamed of, but I soon realized that my passion for discovery could not drown out the disappointment of failure. This M.Sc degree confirmed it. I love the science, I love the knowledge, I love the projects, but not enough to continue like this. I don’t have that hunger to cure diseases, as important as that sounds. I just don’t. I can’t devote my life to always be boggled by it.  The more I work here, the more I want to try something else. However, the hardest part is that I don’t want to give it up either. I want to learn something new and practice both. Luckily there are many industries that allow me to keep one foot in science and another foot out the door. This was a big realization and I’m happy for it, but it worries me that I may never find something I truly like to pursue.

But let’s put work aside and talk on a lighter note: hobbies. When someone asks me to name my hobbies, I will give an infinite list coming from all directions. Music, books, sports, arts, photography, writing… it’s true, I do all those things on a regular basis, but when you zoom in on any single aspect in my list, I do not do anything regular enough to be good at it. I do have phases where I will do one thing more than another to try and improve it, but eventually, I will feel the need to pick up the rest of my “hobbies”. I do not want to sacrifice any of them, but at the same time, there is so much I can do that I simply feel like there is nothing I truly enjoy doing more than another. My heart is always restless and trying to find new things to do. I want to be good at everything, but I can’t keep up with anything, and I can’t keep up with anyone. As much as I have a broad interest, I feel limited. When I devote all my free time to drawing, I would feel bad that I didn’t make time to read. When I read for hours, I feel like I should also make time for exercise. And my poor piano and guitar! They must be so out of tune now. When I spend too much time at home pursuing my hobbies, I feel antisocial! The more I do, the more I feel unproductive. I need time for work, time for sleep, time for family, time for friends, and time alone. There simply isn’t enough time to balance everything, let alone balancing leisure time. And most of all, there isn’t anything I want to let go of. I wish I could be like everyone else; to just stick to one or two things and excel in them with the little time there is for hobbies.



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